even supposing

Pam's House

2009-01-12T10:44:00.002-05:00

We got a call from Pam last Tuesday offering up her house to us for a few weeks. The deal was that we'd get to stay in this incredible, beautiful house in exchange for keeping the mice away. We said "you betcha!" The house is just a couple of miles from our little house. Pam is mom to one of my best friends from high-school, so I've spent lots of time in this place over the last 20 years or so. It is on my top five list of favorite places of all times. One of the best parts is that it really doesn't change. Same books, same rugs, same place mats....everything is just like it is in memory. We've already spread ourselves out over the house. It's so big compared to ours! Elinor is loving it...so much space to jump, dance, run, bounce, and brush teeth (a current favorite.) She also loves this big desk that she can spread loads of paper on and color to her heart's delight. She's quite an artist, I can just tell. LOVE the wood stove. It keeps the kitchen so toasty, and smells like heaven. I'm at our house now, waiting to hear about a job interview. I was worried that our house would feel cramped and cluttered after being at Pam's for a few days, but it really just feels cozy and like it's ours.

January Everywhere

2009-01-04T14:58:00.002-05:00

Another stunning Vermont day! Ashley and I were able to leave Elinor with my mom for a couple of hours and we went snowshoeing all through East St. Johnsbury and into Waterford. Since we're new to the whole snowshoe thing, we generally stayed on the VAST (snowmobiling) trail. It was really fun and felt like good exercise. Yeah...exercise. It's easy to ignore when you have a nice chair by the window and new projects underway. I've been teaching myself how to hook rugs. I got a kit at Northeast Kingdom Artisans Guild on Christmas Eve and I've been working on it daily ever since. I LOVE it. The day I bought the kit, the woman who put the kit together, and whose rugs I have been admiring since the Guild started displaying them, was there working. She was lovely, and even invited me over for tea and rug hooking. This is why I moved to Vermont! My first attempt is a little uneven, and I really haven't a clue how to shade/fill in the empty spaces. It's coming along, though. More socks, of course. Always socks. And the most popped over popovers of all time! Mom and Ron gave me this tin for Christmas, and then brought the mix home for me yesterday after they visited the King Arthur Flour store. I put some extra sharp cheddar in them, and they were mighty good. Our little windows have been frosty, but we've been nice and warm in our small nest. The furnace gave up the ghost for an hour or so last night, but Bruce came over and righted it. I like knowing he's right next door, and that he knows this little house like the back of his hand. Afternoon winter light. It makes you want to make coffee and read for the rest of the day.

Afternoon Walk With My Sweetie

2008-12-31T12:37:00.000-05:00

The road where we live. For real. Top of the hill - huddled together in the COLD cold. My hiding place when I was a teen. House at the top of the hill. Our little corner of the world.

Staying Busy

2008-10-18T16:14:00.001-04:00

I went on a freezer paper stencil kick this week. FUN! I did a few onesies for Elinor (above) and a few for a couple of new babies in our midst (below). This project is so satisfying, I tell you what. It's a little bit of a struggle for me to not stencil everything in our apartment right now. I followed the simple instructions in Amanda's book and everything went swell. I used paper punches for the little designs (saw this on All Buttoned Up -- BRILLIANT!) and for a couple of the larger designs I made my own stencils from tracings I made from these awesome old Flash Cards I found at work: I also finished the first sock and started the second. I may well have finished the pair, but I cast on for the Feather and Fan Comfort Shawl after seeing a completed one at a local yarn shop. I don't love the pictures/examples that the link leads to, but the one I saw was lovely. I'm using my very favorite yarn of all times, Bartlett Fisherman Wool in Dark Sheep's Gray. Elinor and I met up with a couple of moms and babies from my mom's group at the pumpkin patch this morning. Here's Elinor with her buddy, Calvin: She was...umm...challenging. We didn't get to go on the hay ride or see the animals because she was too busy pulling my hair and kicking me in the ribs. There's only so much time in the day!

Some nice things.

2008-10-11T19:49:00.001-04:00

Sock progress! I hope to start decreasing for the toe tonight. A nice smelling candle surrounded by Oregon gourds, and.... A little bunny family! And last, but not least, a little sneak peak of our new home.

Not my proudest moment...

2008-10-10T21:37:00.000-04:00

Today Elinor and I went to have our tires rotated and checked after a man on the highway rolled down his window and yelled "I'd have that front tire checked if I were you!" Yipes. The tires are fine and clean and full of air now, so that's good. During that whole procedure, Elinor and I were left to our own devices and it really just didn't go well. She didn't want to hold my hand, so we couldn't walk anywhere. She didn't want to stay in a safe place on the pavement, so we couldn't play with the sidewalk chalk. She screamed at me if I looked at her the wrong way. She was just ugly! So I took her to the Wendy's that was next door (I know...I know) and got her some milk and french fries, which naturally seemed to keep her happy for all of five minutes. I had told an old Mabel's customer, Rusty, that I would stop by and see her and "the ladies" at their new haunt, so after a silly amount of clown faces and funny voices for Elinor, we headed over to Twisted. Elinor started acting like a crazy person after five minutes, so I awkwardly gathered her up and left. I worked hard to stay upbeat and positive with her the whole time. And it did feel like work by then. When we walked in the front door (after Miss E had to walk up the stairs on her own, which takes approximately 4 days) I saw that before we left Elinor had pulled the sock I was knitting off the needles and bent my favorite set of double pointed needles in the process. I walked over and carefully picked them up, but it was clear that a lot of the sock and a couple of the needles were dust. Elinor ran up beside me and made an angry grab for the socks and I yanked them away and yelled "get away from them!" She dropped her little arms and looked up and me and did a huge silent sob. She looked so surprised and horrified. Ugh. I hate myself for that. And I was able to fix the socks in a little over half an hour. I just can't seem to strike a good balance this week. Between giving notice at work/trying to keep life at home normal/planning for a huge cross-country move/saying goodbye to Portland, I feel like Elinor and Ashley pay the price. And we're dirt poor! And, and, and....it's still no excuse for snapping at your little 18 month old.

Driving Home.

2008-10-09T22:09:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I took pictures out the car window as I drove home from work. I've never done that before, but I wanted to be able to recall what I saw every afternoon on my way back into Portland. I like how some of them look, mostly because it captures the ugliness/boringness/prettiness of what's outside my car window each day. Literally what every single street in the town where I work looks like. Highway to the city. (I work outside of the city and commute out to the suburbs each morning.) The downtown library. Why didn't I spend more time here again? Bikers everywhere! This one is wearing a HELMET! Bless his little heart. The mothership. --- I'm too tired to make this a very interesting post, but I'll throw in a picture of Elinor in her favorite pants. My word....she looks like a little kid in this picture. Here she is almost exactly a year ago: My goodness, my goodness.

The state that we are in.

2008-10-07T12:57:00.001-04:00

This morning feels scattered, unfocused, confusing. It's hard to go about your daily life when everything is about to be tossed up in the air. I'm scared to go to work and face the music....I just hate to disappoint people. On days like this it makes the most sense to take pictures of yourself and your daughter. We have never mastered this art, and I won't let anyone else take my photograph, so we're left with a funny hodge-podge of documentation....lest Elinor think she spent her young years motherless for lack of evidence. Elinor is obsessed with being naked and brushing her teeth (with a real grown-up brush) so it's hard to capture her with clothes on or without a giant brush sticking out of her little mouth. This picture feels right for this morning. I look like a deer in headlights! Elinor looks like she's having the time of her life. That about sums it up. I'm pretty sure I taught her that look. We got some potentially good news last night, so I'll keep you posted. Now if I could get that step-father of mine to mosey over to Millie's and take inside pictures, well then I could REALLY start fixating on our new house. How could he say no to this face?? Oh, and she wants a dollhouse when we get there, too. And a pony. Ron? You listening?

Millie's

2008-10-06T19:52:00.000-04:00

Today Mom sent pictures of Millie's house...the little house that we will be calling home for (likely) the next few years. Such a sweet little house. Millie was a good friend of mine the whole time I lived in E. St. Johnsbury. She is about 55 years my senior, but she treated me like an equal and we whiled many an afternoon away in her living room talking about very important things. I adored her. She lives in a nursing home a few miles from her little house now, so I will be able to visit her and tell her stories about how we spend the days on East Village Road. We're honored to have the opportunity to raise Elinor in this house for these next few very formative years. A screened-in porch! And there's a deck out back overlooking a huge yard. My mom's house is right across the street, and Millie's wonderful extended family live right next door. I can already feel the embrace of our new little community! This tree in mom's yard let's us know when the season's have truly changed: What a thrill that this will be outside our window in the not too distant future! I can hardly let myself believe it's true! Things here in Portland are challenging. Ashley and I can't seem to say the right thing to each other. We both have very profound feelings about this move -- what's awaiting us and what we're leaving behind. Neither of us are all that good at being neutral about our (strong verging on obnoxious...at least on my part) feelings. It all feels very overwhelming and scary right now. I had a migraine in the night, and though I did make it to work, I wasn't able to stay long. I gave notice yesterday (more on that later, if I can manage) and cried hysterically throughout the entire thing (and several times after) and that is a surefire way for me to get a raging headache. I felt it coming on again today and just had to call it quits and come home. I've gotten a little knitting in today. What would I do without knitting? I'm happy it's reappeared in my life in the last few weeks. Here's the progress on Elinor's garter stitch jacket: And look! Brooke gave my some gorgeous Noro sock yarn, and I cast n right away to make the same pair of socks she was wearing on her feet: I love working with this yarn. So Mom? I still want some for my birthday, please and thank you! Right now I'm going to hide under the quilt some more. So good-bye!

What we could muster.

2008-10-04T19:55:00.000-04:00

Today felt like a lot of work. So much unexpected planning/packing/goodbye-ing in our near future. Elinor and I shuffled around the apartment all day watching corny TV, eating pie, napping, and drinking lots of the good stuff (me, not her): We probably should have gone for a walk, trotted over to the park, made soup....but everything just seemed too overwhelming today. I did a little knitting: Hopefully this will someday turn into this cute little Sarah Dallas number: I'm pretty sure Elinor would be the cutest little so-and-so on earth in this jacket.

It makes me feel better.

2008-10-03T20:17:00.001-04:00

More baking today! I find it particularly soothing, especially when contemplating a cross-country move without two pennies to rub together! Apple pie and chocolate chip cookies. I can't ever get the beautiful pinched edges that I grew up with, but I can carry on another nicety: A big A for Apple.

She's a crazy internet shopper. It's strange.

2008-10-03T20:02:00.000-04:00

Elinor told me she wants these. Especially the red ones. No....especially any of them.

So much....too much...

2008-10-03T16:24:00.000-04:00

The bad news is, the people who we sold our business to are in the process of defaulting on the sale. This, of course, is bad in a million ways. We needed that money to take care of personal debt that we currently have no way of reckoning. Having debt is a terrible, terrible feeling -- having no way to pay it off is nearly unbearable. The good news is that this pushes us into making a decision that is long overdue. We have decided it is time to move to Vermont. This decision has been made difficult for me by the fact that I just took a job that I love dearly, and to which I promised a year. I am mortified that I have to go look those good people in the face and let them down. I can't stand to think about it. Last night I went out for a beer by myself to try and make sense of it all. I have been wanting to move to Vermont for the past 5 years...and maybe the only way we were ever going to get off the pot was to have the decision made for us. Still...it feels surreal today. Remembering this helps: Harvey's Lake. My favorite walk. Mom coming down the hill after feeding the chickens. Sunrise at Mom's house. Vermont! I might finally be coming home to you!

Wonderful, Wonderful Fall

2008-09-27T22:16:00.000-04:00

Something in me makes me want to prepare for winter, even in this temperate climate. I wish I had wood to chop, tomatoes to put by, windows to weatherize, chimneys to check. But I don't. We live in a small apartment in the city where nothing is left to us. I know it's indulgent to wish for all the hardships that winter brings, but I can't help but think it's what I need to feel satisfied with myself. My friend Kate one told me she could tell who I would like by finding out if they grew up having to prepare for cold weather. It's just this thing... Anyway! Someday....someday. But now we live in Portland and needn't worry about dry wood, good boots and snow tires. It does lend a certain carefree feeling to fall, when you are left to search the streets for good coffee, unoccupied swings and plenty of dogs to say hello to. So that's what Elinor and I did today. We also made slow cooked bean stew, two loaves of bread, sugar cookies, a big pot of brown rice and plenty of coffee. Our own small preparations for the week.

In which I use the C word.

2008-09-26T20:42:00.000-04:00

Although I felt the powerful urge to let Elinor watch cartoons today so I could recover from an epic migraine, I got up and did my best. After a hairy start, E and I went about our daily business - but slowly - and I'm feeling much better, all told. We made some really delicious bread! This is the cinnamon swirl bread from Beth's Basic Bread Book. Against all odds, it came out just right. We also cut out some wool felt for Christmas (?!) decorations. I discovered a pattern for ornaments that I remember well from my mom's Christmas tree. I imagine that my mother and my Aunt Jan made them, and from the looks of it they made perfect little replicas of the pictures on the front. Seriously, they made all of them and they look BETTER than the ones the ladies at Vogue turned out. Little perfectionists. I would have liked a little of that. Just a smidgen.

It'll Be Just Like Starting Over

2008-09-23T23:41:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you just have to get away from your old blog that nobody really read anyway. Here's the thing... I just want to make stuff. I want to stop worrying so much. I want to eat better food. I want to tell funnier jokes and laugh with other people. I want to remember how on Earth I ended up here. I want to take joy in my life. I want to find out about new music. I want to record my daughter's life. I want to take better pictures. I want to learn how to write. I want to learn everything. So that's it. My modest hopes for my new little blog.